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WASHINGTON—In a comprehensive analysis of the nation’s media consumption habits, a report published Friday by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans now receive their news while holding their hands over their eyes and peeking out between their fingers.

OCEAN CITY, NJ—Noting the total absence of adults with any apparent role in local commerce, visitors to Ocean City, New Jersey, told reporters Friday that the economy of the vacation town seemed run entirely by overwhelmed high schoolers.

I sat down by a buxom brunette in a turquoise dress. Surely, she had no issues with ‘the search.’ Her exotic eyes looked me up and down before she asked, “So what are you looking for? “ “Well,” she drew in a deep breath and exhaled, her airy breath cushioning a long list of desirable qualities.

” The only thing I was looking for was the cheese platter. She spoke at rapid speed, as if it were her last chance to ask the universe for love. He should be over six feet tall, preferably with dark wavy hair, financially stable, own a home, like Paulo Coelho, practice yoga, know how to cook, like the ocean, be emotionally deep, have lived abroad and oh, and be ready to have kids next year.” She was going to have better luck finding a baked brie that met more of her qualifications than a living man.

And only if an entire culture still accepted that pursuit model would it be typical for men to pay for women.

Last modified 17-Aug-2019 13:34